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[LJ2ME] This time i can't blame the drink.

Sometimes I wish that my life hasn't taken place. Quite a selfish move really since it's all about me and my problems and not all the bad shit I did to a whole lot of other people in the process.

I'm sure the people reading this have some concept of what is occuring and if not well, i'd like to say sorry for fucking up your existance but I can't because that would be a lie.

I'm many things, i've delt with a whole lot of shit none of you would have the balls to stroll through and only come out somewhat fucked up over. But that's why at the end of it I really have no feelings of any kind.

Turns out being a sociopath really fucking sucks sometimes. But honestly it's kept me a float to this point, nothing like having no humanity eh?

So what is the point of this post? I'm clearly not going to sit here and say "oh i've done a number of pills, going to dye whine whine whine" because i'm not that kind of emo bitch (you really have to have a grasp of emotions to be emo) and i know perfecly good ways of leaving this planet that would inconvience a whole lot of people without the need to bitch about it on livejournal.

But i know i've slightly hit the booze a few times and made some posts about one particular person who was not only the making of what little soul i had but also broke it. Or at least i like to blame him for it, you see it's not really his fault quite possibly i should have said something.

Instead i find myself in limbo ten years on, neither alive nor dead, just being.

I can't really put in to text my life, i can't make any of you fully understand where i've been, where i am and what will become. It's probably a load of shit to you and i'm quite thankful of that, congratulations on normality let it blind you to the inherent evil i posess and represent.

This post isn't about an end, it's not about a person, it's about me and what i can't hold on to anymore. This journal has been with me all this time, it's my outlet, my honesty (to an extent) and what represents the brand that is Kevin Costelloe. Because sure as the pope is catholic I'm far from a person and just a trademark against a concept.

I never thought I'd make it to 20 which i'm sure i posted about in a haze before so i didn't quite expect the human brain in it's capacity to deal with quite a level of subjects to leave me up shit creek at 27 years old, how fucking annoying these limitations.

I guess what i'm saying is that i really want to feel something other than an empty void burning with the pain of what will never be and who will never become and the things that will never happen.

But that's not going to happen i've only felt love for one person on this planet, and it's really a bizarre sensation why would any sane person want to give up everything for another individual? It's fucking nonsense.

Er, what was i saying? Uh yeah, so how do i go forward now? I don't have the answers anymore, i can't keep using everybody in my path for my own personal gain, i can't keep viewing those with a pulse as a bunch of meat bags.

I need to become human. I need to find somebody who will love me, i need to find somebody i can love. But it's difficult.

As i said i can't make anybody see the sense in what i've just written, you'd have to live the last 27 years in my shoes. But at least i wrote it down and it's not a burden on me alone, it's there on this journal even if nobody reads it.

Bye bye words. It's been fantastic and see you tomorrow.

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I need to become human. I need to find somebody who will love me, i need to find somebody i can love. But it's difficult.

Oddly, not so strange a sentiment, or concept at all. Funny, but I read a few parts of that and felt oddly resonant.

If it's any small consolation, you're far from being alone in those feelings, I'd imagine. At least 1 other person has some of thme.

(Deleted comment)
I have thought and tried that before, but everytime I look in to his eyes I become that bumbling 14 year old who desperately wants to be with him but not loose him forever. Sometimes 2nd best is the better of the two.

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