March 12th, 2002


One of those days....

Well it's official I'm having one of those days today, you know the one where all those bad memories you've been suppressing all those years come rushing out at once making you recall every detail that your mind has continently forgotten?

Anyways, I want to get this shit out of my system and hopefully transfer some off to other parties who are to blame and let them have it burn inside them like it should.

First off I can't keep this a secret anymore, Frank, I---Love---You, if he reads this I expect him to be a bit freaked out, but fuck it that's life, live with it. Anyways I should go back on track, I say this because you should know that your an amazing guy who made me feel so good for as long as I've known you. You bring out emotions I never thought I had in me, your the only person on this planet that I'd exchange my own life for yours if it came down to it, I never thought I see the day when I'd say something like that but meh. Also you should know your the only person on earth who could crush me , that's why I was so frightened when I came out to you because I thought you'd never want to talk to me again and I don't know what I'd do in that event, I've never been in a position where somebody saying one thing could make me lose the joy in life, although many have tried to do that your the only one who I'm completely venerable to. Also I should mention, when you get a girl friend I hope she treats you well like you deserve, your too good of a person to have some fluzie take advantage of.

Next off the non-family-family, oh yes how can I forget them, all they've done..... oh wait that's FUCK ALL. All they ever do is treat me like a fucking outcast and spend all their time worrying about that brat Charlie. And then they have to odasity to say I'm rude by not thanking them for everything they've done, really fuck you. What really pissed me off was Christmas, not only did I get less money than my lowest paycheque (money is not the issue, I'll explain later) but I sat in a fucking corner and got ignored for the entire time, really you *could* pretend my presence made some difference, I did take the time to travel down by fucking bus and streetcar on the TTC's holiday service and I did leave home and miss out on attempting to get alcohol poising and spending the night in emergency. But this gets better, Albert (charlie's grand father) comes in from Hamilton and knew I was there, but did he take the time to stop by a shitty little corner store to pick up any form of card? No, he instead gives little charlie $200 (plus the money he paid for the brat's PlayStation 2) and a card. Then 30 minutes later he comes upto me and pulls out $25 and says "this is for old times sake". What the fuck do I look like, a fucking law suit, you pay me and I go away?!?!? no way fucker, take your $25 and walk to the fucking corner store and buy me a fucking birthday card for all I care and scratch out "Happy Birthday!" and replace it with "Merry Christmas, signed Albert"
but no, it seems I'm not worth it. Then later on I'm told that "they" don't like me coz I'm not gracious to them, but why should I be, all they've ever done is pretended I never existed. What do you people want me to say "Thank you for pretending I don't exist", "Thank you for ruining my life", "Thank you for lowering my self worth day after day after day", "Thank you for giving me more reasons to end my life", "thank you for emotionally scaring me for my intire existance".... well you can all take a joyus FUCK YOU, because thats all you deserve. How dare you fucking throw your little amounts of cash at me then pretend I'm not there for the rest of the night. Oh by the way, when I took off to goto the bank I did it to get away from you, I couldn't stand your hidious display of effection towards little charles dear, it made me want to buy $400 worth of over-the-counter medication and swallow it, then chase it down with enough booze to kill the population of a small country.

Oh wait this gets better, now I move towards my non-existant father, I appreciate for trying and all, but nothing personal it wasn't quite upto standard. Really how hard could it be to pick up the phone and dial ten digits, I do it every day over and over again. Oh and I think I should bring up that three month period you treated my like SHIT, that did good, you took me down (emotionally) from that of pond scum, to three day old dog shit, did you know I thought of ending it all because of that, and I've never heard an appology for it, quite frankly I don't expect to. This brings me onto that period before Adams birth, I know now what you should have told me off the bat, it would have prevented alot of hurt and anger towards you. I don't like being fucked with, just say it, again all it takes is ten digits and it's a local fucking call too.

Next of I move to my mother, although I'm told that she's responsable for alot of things wrong in my life, she makes up for it by being the only person who actually put som effort into my welfare, little as it was, it was more then the rest of you lot did.

Anybody else I can blame, ah yes, The school system, I thank you especially for not doing anything about the other students emotionally abusing me, I think I was the only 3rd grader who considered jumping into on coming traffic, and lets not forget the fucked up education... that I can't forget.

now for a note to those who claim this is my own doing, I'll I've done for years is blame myself for everything stated, It was always *my* fault that I didn't get fair treatment from you lot, but now I see it's not *my* fault at all, it's all yours maybe it's time you took the blame for it and be happy I didn't spill out all your sensitive information to government agencies who would have been quite happy to hear what I would have said.
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Now I think I'm going to goto bed, and don't worry I'm not crying, I have no intentions of letting the guilty parties get to me......... ever


Appearently I have the highest cable bill this one customer service rep has seen in his entire time at Rogers!
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