I need to buy something, expensive things make me feel better.
For all who haven't yet figured this out:
I AM NOT FREESERVE TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Within the last 20 minutes I've become vicious, very very vicious.
I figured this would happen.
I'm all alone in this office lit with flourecent lights and it's white walls. It's quiet, people only stop by to bitch how 'things aren't working' when they know it's their bloody fault it isn't working at all.
The void I'm feeling is as big as this room, it's hot but the coldness of the lonleyness is freezing my skin.
I'm as empty as this room.
My past experiences have caused this, it's unfair to David to come back home tonight and read this or be confronted with me in a fairly foul mood, it's not his fault, it's not their fault, it's *HIS* (not anybody mentioned here) fault and he won't even admit it.
I wish I could stop thinking about this, but I'm alone, nobody to talk to nobody around,
nothing to hear except the enjoyment of others, knowing the 'group' is having fun pains me, I feel I don't belong anywhere.
I thought talking to my family would be enough to avoid what I'm feeling today, but
it's not, I haven't met them yet and at the moment I'm just the buzz going around.
I'm hungry, yet I'm not I'm thirsty yet I'm not, I've lost the will to get up and
close the door to keep the warmth in, I've lost the will to make tea, I've lost the will to feel 'better'.
I hate this, I hate everybody for having belonging, I just want to sit here alone and freeze as nobody would ever notice. Nobody ever does, who wants me around anyway?
I want to go back home to my room, hide in the corner and cry alone instead of
hanging around here with my facade of happyness. I'm not happy, I'm depressed because I feel alone.
Then again my mind is over reacting, it always does, but it's always had to because of *HIM* what he's done to my mind has created this whole mess. He's ruined their outting because David knows what I'm feeling now, I don't want him or them to blame themselves, its not their fault, it never was, it never will be, it's *HIS* work which I suspect he's proud of.
Never wanted me around, never, since day one, left at 6 months, never called, only did things when I asked, other than that never.....ever.... yes he did the presents on my birthday (sometimes) but never what I really wanted, because of that I've grown to hate what other people have, that I'll never have.... ever.
I want this gone from me, I don't want it winning.
Smile, be happy, pretend nothing is wrong at all.
It's silent in here.
I fear silence like people fear death, silence is death, I'm alone in a room with silence.
I'm depresssed, scared and hurt. What a wonderful fucktastic day.
I just threw out my lunch that I only had two bites of. No I'm not dealing with this well am I
I just made a martyr out of a pen and no I'm still not handling this well.
Why am I feeling this way over NOTHING AT ALL, really it's nothing but why is it doing this, it makes NO DAMN SENSE.
16:17 - Emotionally slapped
David has come through, when he said he was going to eat at Steve's I almost had a break down, this is because of my fears from a past experience. I asked him if I could join and when he sort of acted 'funny' I started shaking fearing the worst about everything, but when he said he'd come and pick me up I was soooo relieved, I have nothing to worry about at all, it's NOT the same now as it was before, nothing now is like the past and no past events will have their chance to ruin my now.