March 18th, 2003


(no subject)

I've found *ANOTHER* mis-spelling of my surname. I think it may win the award for corporate stupidity:

Kevin D Welforf Costelloe

Not only was there an 'F' replacing the 'D' in Welford but they even knocked off
the hyphen.

Costello, Castello, Willford and Wexford are reasonable errors, but WELFORF!?!?!?!
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

Oscar Speech (

Kevin's Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so horny! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have imagined that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was not the father, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how freakish my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap

You know, there are so many star-fucking stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my guru, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the Producers I slept with - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Teen Movie Pitch (

Hey Michael!

It's me, Kevin! Remember? We met at Mariah Carey's coke dealer's place. How are things going over at 20th Century Cocks? Oh, that's fantasmo! So, I wanted to turn you on to this project I'm repping. Between you and me, it's going to be a huge Rober Ebert mindfuck! I mean, this is going to be the biggest thing since “Freddie Got Fingered”! So like, open your sphincter, have a shot, sit back, and picture this:

This movie is “The Insatiable Cheerleader” meets “Gandhi” meets “The Devil in Miss Jones”. With a little bit of “Showgirls” thrown in for good measure! It's a love story about a boy who meets a she-male. Then humps her. Then there's a twist involving a hydrogen bomb. But it's ALSO an action film - with a telekinetic fluffer, a SEGWAY scooter chase, and three climaxes in The Chicken Ranch, Kabul, and on top of a bedridden 800 pound man. It has action, romance, and SEX. There are lots of steamy love scenes in the boot of a car involving a steel wool dildo. It's graphic, and coldly erotic. We felt the movie also needed a gender subtext, so there's a small part or two for a militant lesbian. But really, this is a family movie. It's about one family's struggle to overcome a searing case of hemorrhoids and then a heartfelt lesson is learned. The ending has a surprise IRS audit, a bitchin' oil refinery explosion, a ton of fart and vomit jokes and a heartwarming sense of spine-tingling terror. We don't have a script yet, but we have a great duet with Liza Minnelli and Rammstein. We think Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell and ME would be perfect for this movie! Maybe Margaret Thatcher can have a two-minute cameo as the Academy-award winning English guy that gives the movie integrity! We call it “2 Hour Toy Commercial”. It'll make $500,000,000 domestically and $500,000,000 internationally. Oh – and this movie will test really well with white “Depends” buyers.