I've found *ANOTHER* mis-spelling of my surname. I think it may win the award for corporate stupidity:
Kevin D Welforf Costelloe
Not only was there an 'F' replacing the 'D' in Welford but they even knocked off
Costello, Castello, Willford and Wexford are reasonable errors, but WELFORF!?!?!?!
Kevin's Acceptance Speech for the Most Over-Produced Victorian Epic Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so horny! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have imagined that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was not the father, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how freakish my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap
You know, there are so many star-fucking stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my guru, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the Producers I slept with - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
It's me, Kevin! Remember? We met at Mariah Carey's coke dealer's place. How are things going over at 20th Century Cocks? Oh, that's fantasmo! So, I wanted to turn you on to this project I'm repping. Between you and me, it's going to be a huge Rober Ebert mindfuck! I mean, this is going to be the biggest thing since “Freddie Got Fingered”! So like, open your sphincter, have a shot, sit back, and picture this:
This movie is “The Insatiable Cheerleader” meets “Gandhi” meets “The Devil in Miss Jones”. With a little bit of “Showgirls” thrown in for good measure! It's a love story about a boy who meets a she-male. Then humps her. Then there's a twist involving a hydrogen bomb. But it's ALSO an action film - with a telekinetic fluffer, a SEGWAY scooter chase, and three climaxes in The Chicken Ranch, Kabul, and on top of a bedridden 800 pound man. It has action, romance, and SEX. There are lots of steamy love scenes in the boot of a car involving a steel wool dildo. It's graphic, and coldly erotic. We felt the movie also needed a gender subtext, so there's a small part or two for a militant lesbian. But really, this is a family movie. It's about one family's struggle to overcome a searing case of hemorrhoids and then a heartfelt lesson is learned. The ending has a surprise IRS audit, a bitchin' oil refinery explosion, a ton of fart and vomit jokes and a heartwarming sense of spine-tingling terror. We don't have a script yet, but we have a great duet with Liza Minnelli and Rammstein. We think Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell and ME would be perfect for this movie! Maybe Margaret Thatcher can have a two-minute cameo as the Academy-award winning English guy that gives the movie integrity! We call it “2 Hour Toy Commercial”. It'll make $500,000,000 domestically and $500,000,000 internationally. Oh – and this movie will test really well with white “Depends” buyers.