October 11th, 2005

Jean-François - Spy

Who is you fink you is innit.

I had my first real white van man road rage today! It was so very exciting too!

Did my usual roundabout business (ie: get in the correct lane, give way and go then exit) as I was pretty much off the roundabout slip road I thought nothing more of what kind of moron would be pushing through.

Well, it seems there are new limits to dangerous driving I haven't even fathomed. Mr Finger as he shall be called (for good reason) was in the wrong lane on the roundabout since unlike us mere mortals he's much more important so the highways code doesn't apply to him, he does the usual forcing his way past as many cars as he can before the road turns back in to a single lane.

He attempted to push past me, but I didn't budge since I value my life and being forced off a bridge isn't my idea of a nice afternoon swim. So I let him choose to go behind me (and push out the poor dear behind me), fall back to a safe distanceor try his luck with the oncoming lorry. So he decided to push out the old dear and hover of my bumper.

Now being paranoid and not have anywhere else to go or any way to gain speed (since I can only go as fast as the car in front of me) I lightly touched my brakes which lit up my rear end like piccadilly circus. He backed off, amazingly fast too!

I thought that were the end of it, it wasn't. After a while (about 10 seconds) I had obviously shown him contempt by not trying to die for him to allow him to get his MacDonalds home in time for the 50 children he had fathered. So I get the same treatment.

We came up to a roundabout (mind you it's fairly meaty traffic) and I had to stop, as you do, since somebody else had right of way. again, this boiled his blood, how dare I, feeble human man get in his way. His usual antics continued, I ignored them resigning to the fact he was probably going to kill me with his reckless driving, so I was wise not to look unless I had to.

At the next roundabout (after again being followed with inches to spare) I stopped again, to give way. Then made my way quickly in to the roundabout getting another car between me and him. This also angered him. How dare I add another 10 seconds to his trip.

At this point he's seathing from my sheer ignorance and apathy to his social status, but I do not care, there is a blue Corsa behind me, who has left 4 seconds of space between us. I am relaxed and pleased, Mr Finger is even more unhappy, since two of us have held him up from his important Trisha time.

At the next roundabout I follow the main road, the Corsa turns left, Mr Finger is behind me, trying to overtake at any (non-existent) opportunity and also fiddling with the radio. I come up to a cyclist, not wanting to spoil my clean car with human innards and blood I slow down and make my overtake when it is safe to do so. This was the straw that broke the camels back. Mr Finger was beyond furious, he had missed the end of Who My Baby Daddy.

Imagine my glee when he took a right on the roundabout towards my wonderful abode, I assumed Mr Finger would like to have a chat at roadside about his social status. I was pleased.

But alas, it was not to be Mr Finger turned right one road before mine and gave me a final salute as he did so.

I was tempted to stop in the middle of the road and thank Mr Finger for his kind gesture, but I really couldn't be bothered since why would such an important higher class wish to speak with me, a mere drongo at the bottom of the food chain.

So I went on home.

But I feel I should apologise to Mr Finger (as I'll recognise his van and I know where he lives), so I will leave my card on his windscreen with a note upon it, wishing him well.
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    annoyed annoyed