Recently David was invited to a rugby thing by one of his friends, at the time I
wasn't interested and I'm not that interested now to be quite honest, I was fine
with that for awhile, but a few days after it all started.
First I became slightly iriate about it out of nowhere, I didn't know why, but
I was, that continued up until recently, when sitting in the pub it was brought up
in conversation between David and his friend (and his friends son) at that point
I felt left out, like I was not welcome, so in my graceful style I made another
attempt to suppress it, but it didn't work, over the hour or so that past I was
becoming more and more hurt, so much so it was hard to even make it look like I
was ok on the outside.
David asked what was wrong and I pretended everything was all peachy-keen,
but at that point it was extremely noticable that I was very upset. And he
pushed me on for information, but I said 'This is not the place or time for this'
over and over.
When we finally left I told him everything in the car, how it wasn't the recent event but it was a one ugly one from the past that I can't get rid of and the event that happened itself. I thought that was it, that by talking to David about it would fix it, but it didn't because today it was casually mentioned and it started again.
All the hurt feelings and the anger, which they don't deserve but for some
reason I feel hate towards them, now I don't know how I'm going to handle this
for the next week, they don't deserve what I feel towards them, but I can't stop
it. I'm starting to think the only way this is going to stop is once it's done on
tuesday night/wednesday, but I don't know how to continue to make everything seem as it's alright, because I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to make it
look like I blame them for it when I don't.
There is one person on the planet who deserves all of this, but they are getting
off scott-free when innocent people (two of which have no idea) are receiving it.
Sitting here thinking of whatelse I should write made me think more of why I feel
this anger towards them and now I think I know why I am, it's not as much as whats going on this upcoming tuesday, but it's something deeper than that, it's more of
a blind jelousy, I'm angry/jelous for another reason all together, a little bit (a tiny tiny bit) has to do with the day, I have got over the past event, well, somewhat, but now whats pushing this I've always had inside of me but it's never showed itself
to this extent before.
I'm jelous because they have what I still don't know/have, the other two
have a relationship that I never had, I'm jelous of that, in fact it angers me,
it makes me angry because I've never had that and I don't even know why, what was
so wrong with me that I couldn't have something that simple, that makes me angry,
that makes me hate, I don't know the answer to the big question and thats where it
all comes from.
Secondly, I'm jelous at the whole group (when I shouldn't be as I'm a part of that group, but I can't see myself as a part of a group because I've always been alone in the big ball that is the planet), I'm jelous because at the end of the day they all
have their little groups to go back to (the ones with the same surname -- are you starting to get sense out of this) when I don't. My mother and my half-brother both
share the same family name, I don't, therefore I feel left out, I don't know anybody (as of yet) on my fathers side of the family therefore I don't belong, I've never
had what they have, knowing when there is trouble their matching surname people will help out, while myself, well, if I have problems I'm fucked, although I like to think
I've become acustom to being on my own I haven't, I've just ended up hating the world,
hating people who have the luxuries, or as they call them 'the basics'.
I can't really remember what I wrote here, I don't think it even makes sense at all,
mainly because of little realisations are popping up as I type, but whatever thats
how it all works out. I haven't mentioned any of this to David yet, only because
we're in the office and it's not the time or the place right now, but over lunch I'm going to try to and it'll probably be better explained to him then than through this