This year, I have been a very Ritalin-addled little boy. I have compulsively murdered, and I have always helped my other daddy with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank cheques this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring Valium. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my big sister, please bring Newport Lights 100’s. For my doggy, please bring a homeopathic heartworm remedy. Oh – and for my mail man, please bring some work ethic.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith toilet paper, and front row tickets to Mary-Kate and Ashley – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!
Anyway, I hope you like the cognac I left out for you.
Breathlessly,
Kevin
PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Tiffany? She has been a really homicidal cry-baby all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!