Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so horny! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have imagined that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was not the father, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how freakish my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap
You know, there are so many star-fucking stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my guru, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the Producers I slept with - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!