This morning I've had a moment right out of The Birds (god damn Hitchcock and his horrific horror with god damn birds). As I was sailing up one of these Englishshire country roads I encountered a pigeon (as pictured) who for some reason started flight as I was driving past.
Obviously he meant to scare the shit out of me while shitting on my bonnet, but he mis-timed it slightly and in a panic started to flail about on my windscreen like a crazed crazypath. I of course held up my arm to defend myself (as you'd expect) whilst failing to realise that in this situation, I am in a large metal box, where as my bird friend is outside said box, thus meaning only one winner in this battle. I'm sure the person in front of me nearly laughed their selves off the road seeing this sight.
After what felt like 6 hours of this shit, the bird, I assume escaped my windscreen and flew off leaving it's weight in feathers on my car. I heard a light tap tap sound so I think that might have been it's feet on my roof as it went off but I didn't see anything on the road (it went straight up) so I think it's still alive somewhere.
Also, if you're from PETA and looking to kill me, I live at 1600 Pensylvannia, Washington DC, USA. Please mark all packages "TOP SECRET, EYES ONLY".
Originally posted on monkeybox.vox.com